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Casual Sex, Fake Orgasms & Lukewarm Cheeseburgers

I’ve been single most of my adult life.

Don’t believe me? I was eighteen when I had my last boyfriend. You know, the holding-hands-staying-over-every-night-meeting-the-family-and-friends-making-future-plans sort of boyfriend. The guy that you introduce to everyone and they go awww when they see you two together. The guy that you introduce to your friends and they’re actually happy for you.

I am really, really good at being single. So, it must follow that I’m also really, really good at having casual sex. Right?

My sister was born with the commitment gene, but it seems to have skipped me altogether. She got the flowers and cards and moving in with a boyfriend who has a dog and a house. I got the ‘ayoooo, who are you?’ gene. I got the 1am messages and the dick pics and the promise to do it all again in a few days or in a week.

It’s good. For a while. You know, the five minutes that it usually lasts. I’m telling you now: Vibrators last a lot longer than a boy will. Because we all know ‘casual sex’ is code for a boy who thinks that five minutes of foreplay and sex is enough.

I grew up watching my sister have relationship after relationship. My little sister. She could hold down a serious relationship and I couldn’t. I was jealous. Later, my friends followed suit. They all got boyfriends while I stayed the single girl. Girls grow up being told they should want to go to school, meet a boy, get married, and have a bunch of babies. Back in the day, that was ‘being successful’. Later, ‘being successful’ grew to include a college education, a career, and travel. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that I could add another thing to that list. Casual sex.

Let’s just say that college was good to me. Really good to me. I got the college experience that I was looking for and then some. I got to live with my friends, throw raging house parties, and wake up with a crushing hangover that was only cured by more alcohol, greasy food, and a tactical chunder. I got to experience Tinder, hook up with a guy in a club, and go home alone (or not). I could choose who I wanted to spend my time on. You know, if that was one night, a week, or a whole semester.

I got everything a twenty-something could have wanted: banter, flirting, sex, a cuddle, and an occasional McDonald’s run. You know, because bad sex is a reality, but there is no such thing as a bad cheeseburger.

It was perfect for a commitment-phobe like me.

But there’s only so much bad sex a person can handle. You get sick of saying “Just a little to the left” or pretending to enjoy it when it really just feels like someone is jackhammering your internal organs. You know things are bad when you fake an orgasm just so you can go to sleep. Eventually, there comes a time where no amount of cheeseburgers can compensate for someone who doesn’t know where the clitoris is.

And that’s no way to live life.

No one should have to go through life without an orgasm or wondering if that strategically placed finger is something they do like. No one should go through life wondering if the guy likes them for them or the fact that they like being tied up every now and again.

I’m not going to put up with it anymore.

Casual sex can be good, but eventually you get sick of waking up next to someone and wondering if you’re wasting your time. You get sick of finding condoms littering your floor because someone can’t be bothered putting it in the bin. Or sometimes you roll over and realise the only redeeming quality about a person is the fact that they know what they’re doing in bed. I’m sorry, but good sex does not make you a good person.

I’m not saying that I’m turning into a romantic who expects flowers and presents and wining and dining. (Although that would be nice.) I’m not saying that I’m looking for a husband or a step-dad for my son. I’m not about to stop dating or run off to become a nun.

I’m just setting a new standard.

One that doesn’t include bad sex, fake orgasms, and lukewarm cheeseburgers.

 

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26 Comments

  • Reply thetongueinchic

    giiiirl I gotta fly across the world with a bottle of wine and just TALK. I can soooo get on board with this topic and if I was ever single again I thin I’d dip my toe in the pond a biiiit but who knows.

    xx

    July 6, 2017 at 12:32 pm
  • Reply Erica

    I was always the single girl. And I totally couldn’t get into the casual thing. The funny thing is that all my friends who would hop from one long term relationship to the next are still doing.it.And ironically, now I’m married. I think being single all that time allowed me to be available when the right guy came along. At least that’s how I like to look at it.

    July 6, 2017 at 12:46 pm
  • Reply Issa

    hmm

    July 6, 2017 at 5:23 pm
  • Reply Meagan | This is Meagan Kerr

    Life is too short for bad sex, fake orgasms, and lukewarm cheeseburgers! I wasn’t really a relationship person for a long time, but I’ve never been one for casual sex either. My solution: friends with benefits. Worked a treat! Very different story now – I’m in a very long term relationship.

    July 6, 2017 at 6:18 pm
  • Reply shannon

    hahahahaha this is amazing! i was single all through college and didn’t get married until i was 30 – and you are on point with everything thing you’re saying! seriously love!

    July 7, 2017 at 1:09 am
  • Reply jazziepickles

    Love how open and honest this was, we’ve all been there girl and I bet every woman reading this knows exactly this! 💛

    July 11, 2017 at 7:46 am
  • Reply Greg Manuel

    I think the biggest problem with casual sex is that most people are selfish and are in it for their pleasure. I’ve had my share of experiences where woman think that jerking it means acting like you are trying to start a fire or biting my nipple hard is supposed to turn me on when I’ve specifically said I wasn’t into pain. Or trying to feign interest when really your mind is turning to mush because of incessant prattling. Sometimes, it is too hard to get decent conversation. 🙂 So, yeah, I can see where you are coming from.

    July 11, 2017 at 8:18 am
  • Reply Asha

    I love how open and honest you are! I’m still not 100% comfortable talking about my sex life in public (although like you college was pretty good to me), but you inspire me to be more open about it and to own it!

    Also you’re totally right – casual, bad sex can be so much more tiring than it’s worth!

    July 11, 2017 at 2:21 pm
  • Reply sofieyah

    It’s good that someone is talking about this, for sure, because it’s an important conversation to be had!

    July 11, 2017 at 4:22 pm
  • Reply Nadine Cathleen

    Ha, this post is amazing! So true! Bad sex is not worth it!

    July 12, 2017 at 1:39 am
  • Reply Autum

    I’ve never been one for causal sex idk I’m always afraid of a slip up and being stuck with someone that’s supppse to only be there for the moment

    July 12, 2017 at 3:08 am
  • Reply Alix Maza

    Woah at first I was like ummm… what?! but then I was like YES!

    Alix | apintsizedlifeblog.com

    July 12, 2017 at 5:08 am
  • Reply Meaghan

    Your blog is so fun! Love your honesty and sense of humor, I’ll definitely continue to follow along : )

    Meaghan xx

    July 12, 2017 at 4:34 pm
  • Reply Ghosting, Kittenfishing & Other Weird Things About Dating

    […] All the good stuff happened at college. […]

    July 13, 2017 at 10:55 am
  • Reply whynotdotcomcom

    when you are so damn comfortable by being with yourself it becomes an addiction. And for anyone new to come into that space means they have to be fucking superman. I know that feeling because the commitment gene seemed to have skipped me too. 🙂

    July 17, 2017 at 5:01 am
  • Reply Allie

    Ha! So relatable

    July 21, 2017 at 3:15 pm
  • Reply shesaidsoshedid

    I love this:) Bad casual sex isn’t worth the time or effort. I think I said “true” about 50 times in my head while reading this!

    July 30, 2017 at 3:33 am
  • Reply lynncyogutu

    Baaaaaaaammm! ™™Truth has finally be told

    August 1, 2017 at 6:55 am
  • Reply alewor

    Hahahahaha! My first feed in the morning!

    August 1, 2017 at 5:43 pm
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    August 3, 2017 at 11:31 pm
  • Reply Maverick Goddess

    This is my life ha!

    August 11, 2017 at 4:19 am
  • Reply Accidental Masturbator

    It’s a long time since I last hear the phrase tacticle chunder!

    August 12, 2017 at 5:58 pm
  • Reply pinkegrapefruit

    Three of my favourite things.

    September 14, 2017 at 7:59 am
  • Reply Hannah Adler

    Truthful!

    September 18, 2017 at 2:14 am
  • Reply Dewy

    Made me giggle. You’ve put it down so eloquently and so true 😂

    September 28, 2017 at 12:59 pm
  • Reply allthestuffinbetweenblog

    I absolutely identify with this!!!

    October 18, 2017 at 7:34 am
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