I F*cked Your Boyfriend

Last year. Last month. Last week. Yesterday.

You get the idea.

Honey, you better believe that you aren’t the only one to see him naked and hear that weird ass sound he makes during sex. You know, the one where you aren’t quite sure if a sexily placed hand will do or you need to use a full-sized pillow. You aren’t the only one to hear ‘I love you’ and believe in the promise of forever. You know that cup of coffee you’re drinking right now? You better believe that my lips have been all over that cup. Amongst other things.

You get the idea.

I fucked your boyfriend. I wasn’t the first one and you won’t be the last. You know – probably – because I’m a cynic.

Dating is hard. It is exceptionally hard for us cynics or emotionally nope people. You join Tinder, you talk to a few people and find out that most of them are just fuckboys, get annoyed and then delete the app. You try Bumble. Forget to message people within twenty-four hours and lose all your matches. Revert back to Tinder and wade through all the assholes.

Once in a while, you find a boy.

You hang out. You get that gut wrenching ‘oh fuck’ feeling when you realise that you actually like this one.

The same ‘oh fuck’ feeling comes back when you realise that not only do you like him, but that he comes with a history. I’m not talking about children. I’m not talking about the old ass dog that barks when it farts. Hell, I’m not even talking about the cheese at the back of the fridge that he claims is ‘still good’ (when it definitely should have been thrown out weeks ago).

I’m talking about the ex-girlfriend. You know, the batshit crazy one who stalks you on every social media platform, constantly bombards him with abusive Snapchat messages, and believes she’s allowed to say who his friends are.

Because you like to torture yourself, you decide to have ‘just a quick look’ at her Instagram page. Before you know it, you’re one hundred weeks deep and holy hell, look at those boobs. They can’t be real, right?

She seems to be in the realm of hot and fucking crazy that just works.

Shit. Shitty shit shiiiiiit.

You show your friends and they have the same ‘shit’ thought. Great. Now you know that she’s a stone cold fox and you’re left feeling like a sack of potatoes. Not the gourmet kind. You know the 10kg bag of potatoes that still have dirt on them? Yep. Those. Foxy.

Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl. Let me tell you that you aren’t a sack of potatoes.

Recently, I’ve had a few friends tell me that dating sucks and ‘why would he want me when he can have her?’ and we all agree that swiping left or right is getting very, very old. Online dating and platforms like Instagram have made it much, much harder to be confident when trying to score a date. Everything is at your fingertips. I’ve heard of people bypassing the likes of Tinder and Bumble to pick up chicks straight off Instagram. I mean, I knew it happened, but now that I know it happens and that it works. Wow. It makes my slightly deflated boobs and I feel absolutely great.

I’ll tell you what I told all my friends: He’s not with ol’ crazy pants perky boobs for a reason.

Every guy has a past. Just like you have a past. Hell, this guy will probably be a part of your past at some point. (Or maybe not.) We all come with baggage and hang-ups and the occasional psycho ex who thinks you’re ‘on a break’…and that just shows that you’ve lived. Be happy.

You’ve spent time with other people. He has, too. Now you’re both choosing to spend time with each other. You know, when both of you could be with literally anyone else. You chose each other, and continue to choose each other. And that’s something that ol’ crazy pants perky boobs doesn’t have.

Stop overanalysing everything. Stop stalking ol’ perky boobs on Instagram. Stop doubting yourself. Stop comparing yourself. Just stop. Stop it right now.

And, girl, smile every time your lips touch that goddamn coffee cup because it’s yours now.

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  • Reply Mary

    I love this. While I don’t have sex, I literally said to the last guy that I ended things with “You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.”

    November 2, 2017 at 1:48 pm
  • Reply Claire @ October Rain

    “You’ve spent time with other people. He has, too. Now you’re both choosing to spend time with each other. You know, when both of you could be with literally anyone else. You chose each other, and continue to choose each other. And that’s something that ol’ crazy pants perky boobs doesn’t have.”

    ^^^ YESSSSSSSS 1000000000000000000000000000x!!! I sometimes get too caught up on Dan’s past that I forget about the present and it’s such a stupid thing to over analyze and be upset about. That paragraph is just so nice and sweet to read!

    November 2, 2017 at 2:02 pm
  • Reply slightlyhonest13

    I love this!

    November 2, 2017 at 2:16 pm
  • Reply Girl Rebuilt

    Ouch! Always a hard pill to swallow.

    November 2, 2017 at 11:03 pm
  • Reply beyo11

    Such a great cynical reflection, love the post and the attitude. Throwing in online dimension is brill. Well done Mz Victoria.

    November 3, 2017 at 2:29 am
  • Reply Sami Summers

    I love this so much and after reading it I’m eternally grateful that I’m out of the dating scene. It is so much harder when you’re in a rural area and the pickings are S-L-I-M. This is still so true, his ex was terrible. She had an ass like a basketball, but she was verbally and physically abusive. So he traded that crazy for a calmer version of crazy and we spend our mornings sipping our coffee together.

    November 3, 2017 at 2:42 am
  • Reply Laina Turner (@laina_turner)

    This was a great read this morning. It’s so true. We all have a past. It makes us who we are.

    November 3, 2017 at 3:28 am
  • Reply theoceanandvodkawaters

    Oh My this hits home haha, that bat shit crazy ex tho.

    November 3, 2017 at 3:32 am
  • Reply Logan

    This is fucking gold and empowering as shit, even though I hate the word empowering. Your voice is too cool and too real. Awesome stuff girl, love it.

    November 4, 2017 at 8:44 am
  • Reply popofcolour

    Aww I love this story. I have so many dating horror stories and am so happy I’m in a relationship right now. It’s tough out there!

    November 4, 2017 at 8:47 am
  • Reply refluxandrainbows

    You are hilarious, saying what we’re all thinking, I have to follow you!

    November 4, 2017 at 8:52 am
  • Reply latoyia12

    It happens to the best of us.

    November 4, 2017 at 10:32 am
  • Reply jamesrcsmith

    We’re all just tightly bound particles bouncing into each other for a while. Sometimes we meet, then we leave. Cool article.

    November 4, 2017 at 12:24 pm
  • Reply Jennifer L

    Your post is life! Major fist pump in the air moment. Definitely agree on the overanalyzing and degrading ourselves. We got to keep our head up and know our worth.

    November 4, 2017 at 7:27 pm
  • Reply Robyn

    This was such a funny read and so true!

    November 29, 2017 at 9:46 pm
  • Reply Caitylis

    Absolutely love this post! I’ve never ever been in the dating world. I guess I got lucky at 15 and met “the one” (at least I hope… lol), 6 years later we’re about to be married and have our first child!
    If I was put out into the single world now I would have 0 idea on how to get a date or even find people to talk to!
    Do you not just get your friends in the playground to go tell the boy you like him anymore…? Or write it on a scrappy piece of paper in class? No? Help!
    Much love, Caitylis x x

    November 29, 2017 at 10:03 pm
  • Reply Mummy Cat

    love this x

    November 29, 2017 at 10:58 pm
  • Reply Rosie

    With the first line of this post I was HOOKED! Such a brutally honest but well written peice on dating. New fave relationship blogger I think!

    November 30, 2017 at 3:21 am
  • Reply prettifulblog

    This is so so true! And is true for everything in life, work, friendships. Thanks for putting it in such a light hearted but still effective way!

    November 30, 2017 at 6:50 am
  • Reply Lady Writes (@LadyWrites_Blog)

    I totally agree – our past is always making us who we are, and the people we become in a relationship ourselves x

    December 1, 2017 at 12:17 am
  • Reply Caroline Henson (@sparklyvodka)

    Great post! I used to find myself stalking my boyfriend’s ex’s but it just makes you feel shitty when there is absolutely no need. It’s much better to appreciate whats going on right now & not dwell on their past xx

    December 1, 2017 at 5:58 am
  • Reply Gemma Louise

    I’ve only just discovered your blog and I love your writing style – I’m totally out of the dating game at the moment, I’m concentrating on being a mum for now… I feel like all ‘men’ these days are such boys haha.

    December 1, 2017 at 9:54 am
  • Reply Maisie

    Haha I loved this soooo much!! My partner has a crazy ex who has just started to email him and omg she is crazy pants haha! I am so much more chill now than I was say 5 years ago.. shame she isn’t haha!

    December 2, 2017 at 3:07 am
  • Reply Yasmina

    This is the best thing I have read this morning! Our past makes us who we are today and the fact of the matter is you do need to kiss a few frogs before you find your prince but that also means that there will more than likely be a few nasty surprises along the way including bitchy, stalking ex-girlfriends 🙂 xx

    Yasmina | The July Journal

    December 3, 2017 at 2:08 am
  • Reply Mikki Donaldson

    Yes indeed. I love it, too. You speak for so many. Is this a classic post or what? It needs a song. haha It needs an anthem and a big round of applause.

    December 30, 2017 at 9:46 pm
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