Dating As A Millennial: Expectation vs. Reality

image via the smell of roses

Dating as a millennial is a minefield.

Tinder, Bumble, Badoo, and shit, even Fetlife have a lot to answer for when it comes to dating. We’re now expected to be the perfect combination of sexy, fun, funny, demure, smart, and ~*kinky*~. All so we can get the ‘perfect guy’ who turns out to be a fuckboy, anyway. Also, shit in bed. Welcome, my friends, to dating as a millennial.

I feel I am well-versed in the subject of dating. Hell, I am the single friend, so dating is my area of expertise. I have a love-hate relationship with it. Some days, it’s just a hate-hate relationship. Other days, I delete every dating profile and erase the apps from my phone. Don’t get me wrong, my love affair with dating as a millennial came on strong. I mean, hundreds of men at my fingertips at all times? Hell. Yes. Getting to make the first move so you can skip the “Hey bby, you want some fuck?” messages? I’m here for it.

That’s where the love affair begins and ends. It’s a rather short romance, wouldn’t you agree?

You painstakingly set up your dating profile: choose photos that show your face, your body, that you’re ~*sexy*~, and that you can make fun on yourself, then you write your bio, which almost always includes a sly plug for your blog or Instagram account. (Because the #hustle never stops, right?) The fun really begins when you start swiping right (or left) on your potential suitors. Nope, nope, nope. Oh, wait a minute, he’s attractive and he has a dog*.

Well, hello there.

The stars align, and you get a match.

You start talking. It’s innocent at first. You trade lame jokes and memes like you’ve been best friends (who want to fuck each other) forever. After a day or two, a dirty joke slides into your DMs. You try to rein it in by sending a GIF of a cat. They think you’re handing them your pussy on a silver platter, and ask if you have Snapchat. After a bit of hesitation, you think ‘fuck it’, and so begins the slippery slope of dirty messages, booby shots, and dick pics with terrible lighting. Oh, and the rising expectations.

Scenario: Organising a date

Expectation: We’re going to organize a date after talking for four days straight. It’ll be coffee and only coffee so I can disappear without having a ‘family emergency’. Aunt Martha can’t be ‘hospitalized’ again, can she? Coffee. Maybe coffee and a bagel because I love bagels, too. Let’s do this.

Reality: C’mon, just do it! You love coffee. And sushi. You also love face masks. Ok, maybe not the last one. You also love wine. Mmm, wine. Will he expect sex if I suggest wine? Probably. Or maybe not. Why is this so hard? You’ve been talking to this guy for days. Surely, it can’t be that hard to just suggest coffee. Do it, do it before someone else does! *insert last minute plans to get coffee here*

Scenario: The Date

Expectation: It’ll be sunny, the birds will be chirping, and the coffee will be strong. Your ‘in person conversation’ will flow as easily as it did online, and you’ll have an instant connection. It’ll be so great that you’ll want to stay longer than ‘just coffee’ and you’ll cross your fingers in hope that Aunt Martha doesn’t actually go into hospital.

Reality: It’s raining and the only available parking space was far, far away from the café. Your hair gets wet and the makeup starts to run off your face, so now you look like a drowned rat with panda eyes. Great. It has been a stressful morning, so you order a triple shot flat white, which only manages to accelerate your heart rate and makes you twitchy. He actually looks like his photos, with the addition of a dirty mo*. There’s not that many awkward pauses and you get a kiss at the end of the date.

*You actually like the dirty mo and feel strangely conflicted when he shaves it off.

Scenario: Sex

Expectation: Fireworks. Magic. Seeing stars. He goes down on you for more than two minutes. Even spanks you a little. All that magical bullshit that only happens after you’ve been fucking someone for a long, long time.

Reality: Cock fright.

Finally, you realize there really are only two ways this thing can go. Because dating. You know, if you manage to get past the first one.

Scenario: Becoming ‘official’

Expectation: He asks you to be his girlfriend during a romantic date. You know, something that involves coffee or pizza or bagels or wine. Definitely wine, because wine is great. You high-five each other and go home to fuck all night.

Reality: Dating as a millennial means he drunkenly invites you to his house, and you hit all the clubs with him and his friends. You remember that you’ve always wanted to try a threeway, so both of you start picking out chicks. You get stupidly protective when females actually seem interested. Actually, you don’t want to share this one and quickly abandon that idea. You get a cab and go home to fuck all night. No one asks anyone out, but it’s pretty clear that you’re his ‘girl’.

Scenario: Rejection

Expectation: Who cares? Not me. We only met a handful of times and it’s not like I’ve even mentioned him to my friends yet. He’s just a blip on the radar, so what? No one knows that he exists, and that’s the way it will remain. Forever. What was his name again?

Reality: Fuck. Fuckitty fuck fuuuuuuck. It was the cock fright, wasn’t it? Shit, I’m sorry. It wasn’t the cock fright? Well, thanks. It’s not like we exchanged hundreds of messages just for you to gradually ghost me. Real cool, dude. Real cool. Dating as a millennial is hard. #fuckboy

*And it turns out the dog wasn’t his either.

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  • Reply adashofdanish

    I am part envious and part horrified. Not sure which one will win but I don’t know how I would survive dating in the electronic world. It was a whole lot easier when you just went to pick up some guy at the bar and take him home deciding the next morning if he was worth talking to again.

    December 4, 2017 at 1:39 pm
  • Reply jmusselman8

    Wow I can’t even imagine the dating scene today! I loved reading your take on it! Thanks for sharing.

    December 4, 2017 at 1:58 pm
  • Reply Claire @ October Rain

    Ditto on organizing a date! The stupid back and forth, last minute cancellations, and then feeling like it’s a drag to go when you guys FINALLY settle on a day… like, sorry, if you were really interested in me to begin with, you wouldn’t have cancelled so many times!

    December 4, 2017 at 5:53 pm
  • Reply Yasmina

    This post is so real! Even know I’m in a relationship organising a date is still a mission 🙂 xx

    Yasmina | The July Journal

    December 4, 2017 at 10:57 pm
  • Reply Alice Fairweather

    Dating in this day in age is SO hard because it’s so hard to distinguish between bullshit and genuine people! I hated Tinder when I was single, just full of horny teenagers haha! Thanks for sharing x

    December 4, 2017 at 11:42 pm
  • Reply prettifulblog

    I am so out of the dating scene, it sounds insane! I love your writing so much!

    December 5, 2017 at 12:03 am
  • Reply Lady Writes (@LadyWrites_Blog)

    I love reading your posts, they’re so on the money! I may have just got engaged but it wasn’t long ago I remember thinking all of these! x

    December 5, 2017 at 12:27 am
  • Reply amielizabethblog

    This is all alien to me! I met my oh when I was 16 and we’ve been together happily ever since. I live through my friends dating fiasco’s though so I don’t miss out entirely. x

    December 5, 2017 at 1:45 am
  • Reply Rosie

    I’m not gonna lie.. I’d hate to be single as a millennial! It fills me with horror. I love how real your post is!

    December 5, 2017 at 3:01 am
  • Reply homeboundbuthopeful

    Gotta say, this is one of those times I’m extra grateful to be married… I was a single mom last time I was dating, so it was extra complicated for me!

    December 5, 2017 at 6:49 am
  • Reply Kelly-Anne

    I’m going to show my age here, this is all new to me. Haha. I’ve been with my husband for over ten years. Our first date was a complete balls up, but we saw it through. Haha.

    December 5, 2017 at 10:38 am
  • Reply thebusyboymama

    AH! I don’t miss dating. Lucky for me I found “the one” at an early age of 22 after failing multiple times.

    December 5, 2017 at 4:49 pm
  • Reply Kristen

    I’ve been lucky enough to be off the dating scene for over 10 years now. I couldn’t imagine how overwhelming it must be now with all the apps, social media and info out there.

    December 5, 2017 at 5:09 pm
  • Reply Veronika Lipar

    Hi, Blonde! Here’s Brunette. Oh you have no idea how many dating issues I have. And they all star at organising the date.

    December 5, 2017 at 9:47 pm
  • Reply Mummy Cat

    I dont think I could deal with dating now, everything is so impersonal and online, not saying that can be a bad thing, i kinda fell for a guy who i used to serve when I was at work, managed to find the courage to ask for his number and now hes my husband and father of my three children… cant deal with dating haha

    December 6, 2017 at 2:05 am
  • Reply Maisie

    I’ve never used online dating apps or sites so this is totally out of my depth haha! Love the post though! I feel lucky that I’ve never had to go through this a bit >.<

    December 6, 2017 at 2:06 am
  • Reply caitylis (@caitylis)

    This really had me giggling! I’ve been ‘off the market’ since I was 15 so have never had the chance to properly date or even try the whole online dating/app scene! But from what I’ve heard from my friends its a tough time and there is just a whole bunch of people out there just looking to hook up!
    I’m glad I’ve never had to go through the ordeal of having to find someone this way to be honest, seems like a ball ache!
    Much love, Caitylis x x

    December 7, 2017 at 3:23 am
  • Reply Caroline Henson (@sparklyvodka)

    This post makes me simultaneously glad I’m in a relationship & terrified if it ever goes tits up (which seems likely!) xx

    December 8, 2017 at 1:50 am
  • Reply Kelly @ A Girl Worth Saving

    Wow, it’s amazing how dating has changed. I could not help but laugh out load during parts of your blog.

    December 9, 2017 at 6:28 am
  • Reply itsahero

    Ugh. I have NEVER been so happy to have been married just as all of the tinder and online dating stuff really took off! It sounds… exhausting!!

    December 11, 2017 at 2:06 pm
  • Reply Brittany

    LOVE THIS! I am not a millennial and I am married but I love your take on this! I had no idea how hard dating was now! Girly, your struggle is real.

    December 11, 2017 at 3:34 pm
  • Reply Kat

    I have a love hate relationship with dating too. I really relate to this post!

    January 9, 2018 at 10:38 pm
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