Have you been sitting around the dining table with a glass of wine that was *slightly* too full and then felt the death stare from Susan? You know, Crazy Susan who thinks being single during the holiday season is the end of the world. She is far too ‘in the know’ when it comes to your bodily functions and constantly asks where ‘that nice boy from last year’ went.
I’m sorry, Susan, but I really have no fucking idea. Now, can I get on with drinking this ridiculously large glass of wine? Being single during the holiday season is great, but I’m really counting on it to get me through this conversation. And on, and on, and on.
Suddenly, Christmas rolls around and everyone cares about your relationship status. Or, in my case, lack thereof. It doesn’t help that everyone and their dog starts creating gift guides for ‘the man in their life’. Nothing like rubbing a bit of salt in the wound, right?
Let’s all stop and take a shot. You know, to celebrate the fact that we know our self-worth and that we aren’t wasting our time with fuckboys. Or any of those asshats that you find on Tinder. Halle-fucking-lujah.
How about another? Because being single during the holiday season is actually fucking great, and so is vodka.
You can do whatever the fuck you want
Want to decorate the house as if Santa threw up all over it? Go for it. Want to put up fairy lights and sing Christmas carols from December 1st? Sure, babes. You do you. Being single during the holiday season means that you can sit around in your sweatpants (or sexy lingerie) and no one can complain that you’ve been in them all day and ‘you really should get dressed’. Just, why?
You can do whoever the fuck you want
It’s statistically proven that people are hornier during the holiday period*. Just me? Single people go out and party during the holiday season, so get out there and get fucking busy! You know, for all of those people who have to go home and suffer through five minutes of missionary, all whilst pretending to enjoy it just so the jack-hammering will end.
I think this one kind of speaks for itself, right? I’ve always found that I have to ‘pace myself’ when I’m drinking with a boy…and I always end up way messier than him, anyway. How is that fair? Well, I don’t have to worry about that this year.
No nightmare-ish road trips!
Breakfast at your house, lunch at your parents’ house, and dinner with his family. Sounds about right, no? Don’t feel like packing the car for the millionth time this year, just to sit in traffic for hours? Well, you don’t have to! That’s right. You can stay in your cosy little home for Christmas or only visit one house, you know if you want. Hell, you could even host Christmas at your house. Fuck you, holiday traffic, I will not be a slave to you this year!
You know all that money that you were going to spend on your partner and in-laws? Well, it’s all yours now. That’s right – no more panicking about buying gifts for people you only see a few times a year! Glory, hallelujah. If you were me, that money will be going straight to flights, sushi, a good book, and maybe a Lush face mask. Or two. You know, for good measure.
Getting a proper night’s sleep
Have that second piece of Pavlova. Stuff yourself with stuffing. Make sure you grab an extra fruit mince-pie on the way to bed and don’t you dare forget about granny’s fruitcake. The glorious part about being single during the holiday season is being able to stuff yourself with food and then falling into bed by yourself. Especially in New Zealand, when it’s summer and the last thing you want is a portable heater who hogs all the blankets.
You don’t have to worry about impressing the in-laws
No more rushing around to hide the condoms and sex toys because his mum decided to ‘surprise’ you with morning coffee. You bloody bet there’s going to be a surprise, but it won’t be for us, lady. No more awkward small talk over the roast potatoes or doing the dishes. And definitely no stressing out, going bald over picking the perfect present for someone because holy hell, you’re going to be related one day. If that isn’t a win, I don’t know what is.
This year, I want to go to the Santa parade. I want to go look at all the houses decorated for Christmas. I want to go do all the cliché Christmas stuff because I have a son, and he deserves to have a cliché Christmas. Hell, I’m going to attempt to make a gingerbread house. For me, because I fucking love gingerbread. And you can do it, too. Maybe not any of my cookie-cutter stuff, but create a new tradition and go absolutely wild. It’s the holiday season, after all.
New year, new me (and all those glorious clichés)
It’s the end of the year, so we’re all starting to look to 2018 and plan what we really want from the new year. Well, I don’t want to deal with any bullshit. I have enough baggage on my own; I definitely don’t want to carry yours through the new year, too. My life looks a lot different than it did a couple of years ago, and I’m sure I’ll be saying the same thing in a few years time, too. And I love it.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
*This line is utter bullshit.