Losing my virginity wasn’t like losing a sock or a shoe or my phone. It’s not something that reappears after ten minutes. Once it’s gone, it’s gone for good. Those ten minutes of being jack-hammered and acting like amateur porn stars was it. ‘Bumping uglies’ as my grandmother says. I don’t know why they call it that because I’ve seen some pretty penises in my day. (OK, I’m only 23. I think it’s still ‘my day’.)
Needless to say: it gets better, it isn’t scary, and ‘uglies’ is a terrible word to describe a penis.
A few days ago, I found out that a friend of mine was going on a Tinder date. I was beyond stoked for her, in fact, I think I said “Get it, girl!” a million times within ten seconds. My brain had torn straight past her first, second and third date to when they finally do the dirty. And then steamrolled right past that first time because losing your virginity is weird.
My friends and I are very open when it comes to sex. We do it and we like it. Hell, you can guarantee we’ve all discussed that weird sex position you tried to get us to do. Please, ease up on the porn. We are not that flexible. Needless to say, we’ve also discussed length, girth, and your orgasm face; however, I don’t recall us ever talking about what it was like to lose our virginities. You know, beyond the typical “well, that sucked” line spoken by every girl in the history of the world.
This post is for us. The girls who are doing it and not talking about it, who are talking about it and not doing it, and for those who just don’t know at all.
1. The first time kind of sucks.
There are no two ways about it. It is very, very underwhelming. Especially if you’re having sex with another virgin. For me, it hurt. A lot. It hurt so much that I had him stop. Really. I was that cliché who was having sex in her mother’s bed and then kicked the guy out in the middle of the night. Sorry, not sorry.
(Mum, I am sorry about your bed.)
2. There is no such thing as ‘too much foreplay’.
Because sex isn’t supposed to actually hurt. Losing your virginity can be a bit uncomfortable, but if there’s proper pain then something is wrong. Foreplay doesn’t have to be just ‘sexual’ things. It can be a massage or a bath together. Anything that helps you to feel relaxed.
3. It is nothing like porn. Seriously.
Females aren’t really that bendy.
4. It’s ok to say no – for any reason.
You need to remember that you can change your mind at any moment, for any reason. You don’t owe anyone anything. Your virginity is not something you can barter with (usually) and isn’t someone’s ‘right’ to take. Even if you’re in a relationship with someone. You can say “no” up to the very last-minute or even during sex and your partner should respect your decision.
5. If a guy says he ‘just hates condoms’ then say no. No, no, no.
I don’t care if you track your cycle, are on the pill or the injection or have a Mirena. Hun, just no. There is more to sex than a pregnancy. We all have our ‘whoops’ moments, but condoms exist for a reason. STDs exist and I’ve heard that they aren’t fun. Some of them are for life. You know, just a gentle reminder to use a fucking condom. Always.
6. You don’t always bleed.
I grew up thinking that you bled when you lost your virginity. In all actuality, that is a myth. Your hymen can break doing any number of things (using a tampon or horse riding), so no blood = bloody win in my book. You aren’t ‘loose’ or a weirdo. You’re bloody lucky.
7. You don’t always see fireworks or form a super emotional connection.
Sometimes sex is just sex, and sometimes sex can suck. Or sometimes it’s great and you want to do it every minute of every day, and you still don’t form a super emotional connection with the other person. No, you aren’t broken. You aren’t a terrible person. And you definitely aren’t a slut. Emotion isn’t required to have great sex. Trust me.
8. It gets better. A lot better.
I mean, I’m sure we would have died out by now if everyone was having terrible sex. Because nothing is worse than terrible sex.
9. Lube is important.
See point #2.
I’m going to use the ‘dry slip n’ slide’ analogy here. Yeah, it sucks. It isn’t fun for anyone, and losing your virginity is supposed to be a fun experience. Or as pain-free as possible. If foreplay isn’t doing it for you (and sometimes it doesn’t – it’s cool) or if you just wanna get to it then whip out some lube.
10. Everyone is just as nervous as you are.
Wow, way to make it sound like your first sexual experience is a gangbang. No judgement here. Really though, I think I get nervous with everyone that I sleep with. I mean, cockfright is a real thing. I kind of just patted it and hoped he wouldn’t notice. He did. I must have done something right though because he wanted to sleep with me again.
11. You don’t need to orgasm to enjoy sex.
Seriously. I love sex, but I’ve never had an orgasm with a partner. Does that mean that I’m broken? Does that mean that I don’t relax? No. This is for the guys: No, I don’t have to finish to have fun. Stop stressing about it. It doesn’t mean that you’re shit in bed. Your attitude about it makes you shit in bed. Let. It. Go.
12. You like what you like…and you hate what you hate.
I hate snuggling. You know, with people I’m not ‘close’ with. We just had sex. You can’t get much closer than that. Please, don’t touch me. But, hey, if you want to throw me around a little bit then go right ahead. Point is: losing your virginity and having sex are incredibly personal, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed about what you like. Or not like, as it goes.
My friends and I are vulgar, deviants who are open-books, now. We aren’t ashamed about talking about sex or dating, relationships or one-night-stands. And we always enjoy a good debate about ‘red flags’ in a relationship.
Hell, some of us even write about it on the internet.