You can divide my contact list by categories: friends, family, guys I’ve fucked, guys I want to fuck, guys I want to fuck again, and guys who will reply to my message – no matter what I’ve said or how late it is. So, I guess that’s this post done and dusted then. Right?
Or do you want to find out which category you fall under?
Go on then.
I remember being given a diary in primary school (and early high school) that had daily (or weekly) planning schedules, important dates, holidays, and spaces to write ‘important numbers’. Those were usually reserved for your best friends, boys, and your mum’s cell phone number. Thus, we had a ‘little black book’ from the beginning.
Now, they’re in your pocket 24/7 and are usually accompanied by a variety of emoticons or notes, such as: ‘big dick’ or ‘worst sex ever, do not do it’.
Things are looking pretty grim for the men in my life, aren’t they?
1. The Fuckboy
The Fuckboy gets mentioned a lot on my blog, doesn’t he? You might have met him on Tinder or Bumble or by chance, but that doesn’t change that he’s a self-serving asshat. This guy is all about sex. Good sex. He’s the guy you text after a night out and you just really, really need a good lay. He’s your guy. And everyone else’s, too.
2. The Flirty Friend
This guy is the most confusing person on the planet. Maybe you dated once or twice. Maybe you used to sleep together. Years have gone by and you claim you’re “just friends” but there’s just this weird vibe when you’re together. He’s constantly shirtless when you’re around and you swear that you catch him staring at your boobs at least once. Every minute. He’s the guy you text if you’re going through a bit of a dry spell or need a bit of a ‘pick me up’ because you’re guaranteed to see those abs. Thank you, Snapchat.
3. The Legitimate Friend
You guys friend-zoned each other centuries ago. There’s absolutely nothing going on between the two of you, but there’s always someone who seems determined to stir the pot. You two go out for coffee, trade dating stories and advice, and generally get shit-faced when you decide to have a cheeky drink. ‘Just one drink’ isn’t something that you two say when you’re together. Because it’s a blatant lie and both of you know it. He’s the guy you text when you need to rant or get advice or just really need to drink a decent cup of coffee.
4. The Ex
His number is always saved under something much less dignified than ‘The Ex’. It’s usually accompanied by a note along the lines of ‘This guy is a dickbag, do NOT message him. EVER. Seriously’. He is the guy you never, ever message. For any reason. Ever. Seriously. Why do you still have his number? Delete it. Now.
5. The Maybe
The Maybe is someone you met on a dating app. A long, long time ago. Things were hot and heavy in the beginning – selfies, sexts, and flirty messages were flying left, right, and centre. For some unexplainable reason, you’ve just never met. You make plans and promises, and the day arrives with a big, fat nothing. There’s no message or call or Snapchat selfie. He usually sends you a message a few days later with some bullshit excuse about work or his ex-girlfriend or traffic. I had The Maybe in my life for a year and a half. I recently told him to man up or GTFO. He’s the guy you text when you’re bored and need a little entertainment. He can do that. Just don’t expect to see him in person. Because you won’t. Ever.
6. The Friend With Benefits
Do not confuse him with The Fuckboy. He’s not an asshole. You guys are actually friends. Like, he doesn’t care if he’s seen in public with you. He doesn’t care if you meet his friends because you’re friends. Who happen to see each other naked. I mean, most of my friends have seen me naked, so what’s the difference? He’s the guy you text if you need a good fuck and a cuddle afterwards. He’s your guy.
7. The Guy You Actually Like
This guy terrifies you so much that you never message him. You just stare at his number and wish you could come up with something witty, charming and a little flirty to say. Instead, you stalk his Snapchat stories. And his Instagram. And find his Twitter from five years ago with two tweets.
He’s the guy you text and ask out for coffee. Seriously. Do it.
Everyone loves coffee.