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    Butt Touches, Fetty Wap & Getting My Groove Back

    Men need sex.

    Honestly – I struggled to not roll my eyes when I read that statement. Men need sex. Do they really? Are they going to drop dead if they don’t get their end away? I don’t think so.

    I’m friends with a lot of women who have babies. I’m in the ‘mum club’. I talk about my baby non-stop. I went from eating pizza from the body of a half-naked man to talking to him about our child’s bowel habits. Again, ask yourself: Do men really need sex?

    A friend of mine happened to mention that she hadn’t had sex in over a year and still wasn’t feeling particularly ~*sexy*~. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to do it; more that she didn’t feel confident in her new mum body. I have bucket loads of sympathy for this woman. Hell, I went through a dry spell that could rival the Sahara Desert. I was convinced that I would need to dust cobwebs from my ladybits before getting down to ~*business*~.

    I didn’t feel confident in my ‘new’ body. I have stretch marks. My boobs aren’t perky. I have loose skin. Some days it feels like my insides are falling out and I still don’t know why. So, I hope you can understand why the idea of getting jack-hammered for five minutes (max) is low on my list of priorities.

    I think it’s pretty obvious that men are ‘ready to go’ at the drop of a hat. All you have to do is look in their direction and it’s game over. Women take a little longer to warm up. Ahem.

    It all begins and ends with how we feel about ourselves at the time. Having a baby changes a lot of those feelings. I went through a ‘if someone touches me I will scream’ phase. And then I went through a ‘if no one touches me I will scream’ phase. My friend is somewhere in the middle. She wants to get down and dirty, but doesn’t feel like she’s back to her ‘old self’.

    Personally, I don’t believe you ever go back to your old self after you have a baby. It just isn’t a happening thing. Sorry. You have pumping and bottles and diapers and ‘why isn’t my baby sleeping?!’ thoughts to deal with all day. Feeling ~*sexy*~ doesn’t always happen. Especially when someone tells you that you need to be sexy for a man.

    I have heard people say “men need sex” and they were being serious. Like, really meant it. They wanted people to go out there and do it because a man needed it and it made him feel good. I had to bite my tongue. Hard. Again – will the world implode if a singular man doesn’t have sex?

    Sorry, but if I’m doing sexy (or sex) then I am doing it for myself. Women have sexual urges, too.

    Someone said that men act differently after sex. They’re softer, more patient and understanding. I believe that. Because you just described me after sex. It takes about a week for me to revert to my angry, where is my sex self. Once upon a time, I had a thing with a boy. We met every Friday for a year (give or take). After a while, my friends started to ask why I kept going back. I told them that they needed a night with him and they would understand. Ayooo. Some people like to eat one square of chocolate a week as a treat. I liked to have sex. Good sex.

    Treat yourself and all that.

    There were some days when I wasn’t 100% ~*feeling myself*~ so I had a few tricks to get me in the mood.


    I have one piece of lingerie and I wear it to death. It’s a Victoria’s Secret piece and it is beautiful. I remember the first time I wore it. I stopped my boy mid pre-sex ritual (really) to say: “I wanna try a thing”. (I bet he thought I meant butt stuff). I then left, changed in the bathroom and walked (awkwardly) back into the room. I got better at wearing it. Believe me.


    The best sex is loud and messy and sweaty. We played music so his flatmates could listen to Fetty Wap instead of us going at it like rabbits. Because we did. A lot. Needless to say, music has become a large part of my sex life. It just makes it…sexier. And listening to Fetty Wap still takes me back to the days when he would walk through the door and strip.


    Lighting is king. We all have parts of ourselves that we wish we could change, and lighting can be the ultimate mood-killer or it can enhance the sexual vibes. Once upon a time, I didn’t own a lamp. That meant I had the options of: doing the deed in the complete dark, under fluorescent lights or leave the blinds up and give the neighbours a show (which may or may not have happened once – whoops). This guy was beautiful, so I went out and got a lamp. It was a bloody ugly lamp, but it worked. No accidental peep shows and I got to have a proper perv. Win-win.

    Proper romantic people could go out and get candles, but if you knew me then you would know that 1) I am scared that I will burn down the house, and 2) I don’t do romance. Your girl doesn’t want to ~*make love*~. Ew.


    How many times have you heard “Oh babe, I hurt my ____ at work. I need a massage.”? I’ve heard it a lot. Unfortunately for them, I am a terrible masseuse. Some people have had the bad luck to experience that first hand. Sorry not sorry – I did try to warn you.

    I, however, have used that line on people before and it works like a charm. Even if the massage seems to be rather short. Being touched in a (kinda) non-sexual way helps me relax and butt touches are just nice.


    Feed me. Either in the conventional way or just put it on your body. The choice is yours.

    Men need sex?

    No. They don’t. They need you to feel happy, comfortable and safe.

    Ultimately, if you don’t feel like having sex, nothing will help. It is a mental battle and just ‘getting back on it’ isn’t going to help. A ‘real man’ (aka any decent human) will understand that you aren’t ready and he won’t pressure you to do it. If he does, then you should probably re-evaluate your relationship. Just sayin’.

    I usually wait until Thursday to say “treat yourself”, but it has been a week already. So hell, treat yourself to some chocolate, butt touches or some good sex.

    I know which one I’m going to pick.